I see that I did express myself Friday. Can’t express myself fully and frankly on my “regular” blog, as I will receive suggestions about how to buck up, remember blessings, think positively and help others.
That is all true. But it is somehow of no comfort when one is trying to figure out why being alive is even important at all, and why one was born into this world. I am so happy for people who have never had these dark thoughts or existential suffering. Or, who have but find it enough to just turn towards the light and begin helping others.
Is it a chemical thing? A stinkin’ thinkin’ thing? Genetic? Lazy? This is why I write only on this blog, because those who know how to make different choices don’t want to read this. Sometimes we just feel it is too too much to bear to be here, where we are weak and imperfect and hopeless and despairing.
Ahh, just being able to express oneself honestly is part of the solution. If I were able to find a local support group for families of Alzheimers patients. I would go to a 12-step program, having seen the amazing, wonderful results others have had. But I believe that words have power, and that affirming several times a week that I am a sugar addict or an overeater or a chronic depressed person does not feel right.
So I write. And sometimes, like this morning, it is enough to just write honestly, express my pain, my confusion at why I am even here in this life when I seem to have no purpose and just struggle on again and again. That is the truth. Now I will try to write about the also-present truth of the light.